Day 13, 14

E:
We are sinking into a kind of strange normalcy.  Fortunately, work has been busy, and I am especially grateful to have a kind of solid foundation – both in a sense of productivity as well as a connection to my people.  This week I have felt the strain of trying to do the right thing for all of us.  It’s hard to know what that is sometimes.  I have found myself wishing for someone else to be the grownup.  But these moments pass, and I fall back on the trust.  There were some difficult moments … there is a pull to make the right choice for our safety vs. honoring all the desires.  I want to take care of my family in the best way, and that is hard with all of the unknowns.  It’s especially tricky as we are a two-household family and there are different feelings about the way things should go that are arising.  When it is just the kids and I in our little bubble, things feel pretty simple. We deal with the emotions that arise, our basic needs, we cook awesome meals and take it moment to moment.  As more people come into the conversation, the more complicated it gets.  And also, I know that it is so important to honor all of these relationships. I will say that as a result, I believe our communication is at an all-time high, and I just have to trust that we are all speaking our minds.  We are all very vulnerable with one another.  In areas where there used to be fight, there is listening.  I even noticed this today in an online Zoom Town Council meeting.  No one knows anything and everyone admits it. There is humility.  Everyone wants to do the right thing.  This part is beautiful.  My lover is coming on Sunday.  He will have been isolating for over two weeks by that time.  I’m so looking forward to seeing him.  I also felt protective of the envelope that the kids and I have sealed ourselves into, and there is guilt that I get to see my person and they don’t.  Their emotional well-being is everything, and I know that there is tenderness right now. But again – we found our way to the most honest conversations and I am so proud of all of us. Mostly, there is just a lot of love (even the parts that hurt are based on all the love) and despite the vast unknowns, there is a tremendous amount of trust.  We have all decided that we need to take this moment to moment, and this is the most soft and real place to be.

M:
The last two days have gone up and down., I’ve been happy, then I overthink, then I feel sad. I feel like during this time, the happy things feel really happy but the sad things feel really sad. Luckily, I have had a lot of happy times. We have gone outside a lot and originally, I didn’t want to go outside at all, but now I’m so glad I get to go outside. Every day feels easier and more normal. Everyday I wonder how long this will go. I wonder what our lives will be like when this is done. Will we be able to socialize as well? Will we have all the same friends? This had never happened before to anyone in my life, so knowone can tell me what they think will happen and have it be the truth. No one actually knows how long this will go or how many people will die which is the disconcerting part. There’s no one that can tell me this will be okay because no one truly knows. I am both scared and excited for the future. It’s scary because everything could get much worse, but it’s exciting because the world will have healed itself and everything will change. Yesterday we stayed at home and today we went to Telluride. I feel like we’ve had the perfect amount of time staying inside and going outside. I would like to go to Telluride more so I can see my dad. It’s been a while since we stayed there and I miss it a lot, but I know we will eventually be back. My friends are basically always on the same page as me and that helps a lot cause I feel like we’re in this together.

M:
Monday
Today I got a giant blanket sweatshirt called the Comfy. It is super warm and cozy. I was also out on the trampoline for a while. We had no schoolwork because it is spring break. My sister came outside with me and we played a game we made up using the football. We then went to bed.
Tuesday
We woke up and left for telluride because we were going to see my dad. when we got up there we went on a hike. I was super happy that we got to see him. My grandma also came with us and we both brought our dogs. When we were leaving I wanted to hug my dad but couldn’t because of the virus. He  has been working and has been around people and he was not isolated. After telluride we went home and played football. we are having pasta for dinner tonight then we will go to bed.

As Heavy and as Light as One Small Stone

Lift me
from where I lie
in the weather

and the sunshine, where
for a thousand years,
I’ve watched white clouds

turn lions
into tea kettles.
Hold me

in your hand,
like a treasured stone,
and turn me over.

Beneath me
find the worms
and mud, and dig

into the fertile roots
that churn
with sweet life.

And when you find
you have reached
hard granite,

please find a way
to keep on digging
so that you hit

my hot and molten core,
where surely we
we will both be burned.

But we are not.

And all the while,
you hold me gently
in your upturned palm,
and I have no fear
of falling.