Day 35

The first month has passed…

E:
The sky struggles
to procure the sun,
so we keep our faith
in springtime

and turn our faces
toward the rain.
New things are holy
now: Los Angeles

sings like an aviary
and electric starlight
dwarfs the house
next door; we shave

our heads in observance
of a Saturday night
hot dog eating contest;
nighttime fantasies

leave their fragrance
on the morning stoop,
a mood in minor key;
we dream

of our daughters,
of a cartoon pestilence,
a river, a romance;
guitar music

fills the evening and
empties the calendar;
a bald eagle moves closer
than the neighbor;

the children
are driving cars
on the back roads;
lovers curl together

and move apart, and
curl together; we wait,
we learn, we listen,
we play; and when

the world closes,
the heart finds
a new way
to open.

M:
We haven’t written in a while and I think that’s because we’ve adjusted to quarantine. I don’t feel the need to let my feelings out as often because they aren’t as emotional as they used to be. I’ve gotten my schoolwork completely under control which took a couple weeks, but now I feel much less stress and everything is easier. I taught myself organization and good study skills. Things feel normal. The only thing I feel I lost are my social skills. I know I can get them back but if I were to hang out with people, I think I would act different, I think everyone would act different. This is the longest I’ve ever been away from my friends since I was two. When I think about the worst part of quarantine I still think of my friends. But now thinking of them I don’t feel sad, I feel excited for the moment that we get to see each other. Why feel sorry about things you can’t control when you can look at the bright side and see the light at the end of the tunnel where we all get to hang out again and get back to our old life. Or maybe our new start.

M:
This week we set up the trampoline and with the new net it looks so much better. Rob was also here all week and that was super fun. We ate a lot of food. Yesterday I made hotdogs on the grill. they were all a little burnt but they were still good. My dad also came down and we went to the soccer fields and we played in my backyard. It was good to see him because I haven’t for awhile. I also hung up a signed football poster. The amount of school work we have has definitely increased. The NFL draft is on Thursday and I hope my favorite team picks Henry Ruggs. This year the draft is being held virtually so it will be very different from all the other years.

 

Days 15-20

E…Snippets, Haikus:

Quarantined lovers
stand six feet apart, windy
Delta parking lot.

Between us, the two
clipped daffodils you brought, one
is me, one is you.

Two hours to the red
rocks, desert flowers bloom white,
plum, yellow, crimson.

A Mars planet, no
one on the roads, our spirits
lift by the river.

Support comes from the
most unexpected places,
these little graces.

A couple degrees
of separation – in all
directions, closer.

How vulnerable
we all are now, and not just
in our bodies.

Sunday morning, the
first day I practiced yoga
with a woodpecker.

Healing comes in the
form of two dimensional
faces on a screen.

Armageddon.  What
is that, music? An ice cream
truck, an empty street.

M:

Spring break – Six days 

Spring break was perfect timing for a relaxing break away from online school. I partly wish that they skipped spring break and just ended school early because that’s what Telluride did, but I know that this break was good for me. I don’t know if I’m ready to start school again but I feel like during this break I’ve gotten very organized. I now make my bed every day and I keep my room super clean. I think that I can dive back into school and really stay on top of it. I still really miss my friends. Like more than I ever thought I could. I really need that connection, but in some way I think we’ve made an even greater connection. We talk all the time and we have personal conversations that we don’t normally have. Anna was allowed to spend a couple nights at my house because she’s been in complete quarantine. That was really good for her and I know she needed it a lot and it felt good to be there for her and be able to physically hug her. My friends and I watch movies together and we facetime so I feel like our connection has gotten so strong. School has been easier and harder than I thought at the same time. Our assignments are easy, but it’s really hard to find the motivation to do them. I now realize that when my room is clean and my life is in order, I focus much better and my schoolwork becomes easier. We are going to start writing again every day and get back on our regular schedule. I’m very excited for school to end, but I know i’ll make it through happily and I’ll work very hard to keep my life in order. 

M:
The weekend review-
Over the weekend we did many things like going on a hike in the desert. We also got to see my dad on Sunday.  He came down to Ridgway and we played football. We also got groceries from the market. This time we got most of the stuff that we ordered. Rob was going to come but he couldn’t and we were sad that he wasn’t able to make it. We start doing school from home again on Tuesday and I really don’t want to. It is interesting how doing everything from home kinda feels normal now.

The Weekend (Days 11 & 12)

E:
Old Things Healed, New Things Tried

On the hike, there is no hashing out
of how it used to be, there is just the river,
and the broken bridge rebuilt

downstream, only birds and the songs they make,
and the new green blades that push through
the detritus. Attention is the new ground

from which we will grow.  At home,
anything goes, the kids take risks
on blue cheese, banana pancakes, a new trick

on the trampoline.  We meet for virtual music
and linger, soft silences melodic, traded thoughts.
No point in filling the spaces with old stories,

time now to believe the black-capped
chickadee, the belt of Orion, to be a part
in a new kind of together.

M:
This weekend was the beginning day of spring break. I went on a lot of walks with my friends and my family. Before this virus, I didn’t walk this much, I mean I had my sports, but I didn’t take the time to be outside in the fresh air on my own. I didn’t know how much I liked walking. Usually when I hang out with people we go sit inside. I’ve gotten to walk all over town which feels so weird because there is no one in town. It feels like a ghost town. We drove by the school and usually when I take that drive I have this feeling of really not wanting to go, but now when I drive by all I want to do is go back. This is probably good because now I will really appreciate going to school. I want to be back in class talking to people and I want to be sitting at the lunch table with my friends. I heard about how the coronavirus numbers are going down in China and I know we can’t legally make everyone stay inside, but I wish we could follow their path a little and get rid of this virus. Our numbers are going up so much and I don’t understand why people aren’t staying inside because they feel like they don’t have to worry. People need to realize that just because they can’t get sick, their loved ones can. They need to be careful. It’s so hard to stay inside but we will have to much longer if people don’t start being aware. I want to enjoy my spring break and I am supposed to be with my friends but now I can’t. But, I have to remember to be grateful that I can still walk around with my friends because some people can’t even leave their houses. I am so lucky but I really miss my people. I know that this will end, but it’s hard for me to not know how long it will go. 

M:
THE WEEKEND
On Saturday we woke up and my mom taught a class. We had a skillet for breakfast and I played games with my friends. After that we went on a hike with my dad and  it was fun to see him. On the hike we played football. I also threw the ball for my dog and found a stick to throw for her in the river. After that I did some tricks on the trampoline and we watched a movie called 1917. We then went to bed because we were tired.
SUNDAY
Today we woke up and laid around the house in the morning. We didn’t do much today. after lunch we went on our daily hike and then came back. I played video games with my friends and went back out on the trampoline. I was sad because it was Sunday and on Monday we had to start doing our work from home again. Then I remembered it was spring break. My mom and I then watched a show and went to bed.

Day 8

E:
After school/work this morning, M went on a walk with her friend A and they were together (6 feet apart) for 5 hours.  So great.  M said they walked on opposite sides of the street for much of it. Her heart feels happy from time with her friends and it makes her all glowy.  It’s wonderful.

M and I took a bike ride.  It was the first time I’ve ridden a bike since recovering from two surgeries on my R. knee over the past year and a broken wrist from a mountain biking accident.  What a year…who knew this one would top it?  I’m just grateful to have my physical body back and working right now to take care of these kids and myself.  I know that there are many out there who are compromised to begin with, and my heart goes to them.

Anyway, riding bikes up the county road was so much fun.  Liberating.  We went for about an hour.  There was bit of a chill in the air.  We passed the cows and moo’ed at them loudly.  We had a contest to count bird nests.

Then I did the dreaded shopping trip.  I left the kids and drove to town.  Since we had pre-ordered, the car was loaded up by market staff – he looked exhausted.  And he wasn’t allowed to accept tips. He told me that today the max amount of pick-ups allowed was 60 (between 8am and 8pm), and tomorrow they are doubling that to 120.

Early evening, M set up “spa day.”  She painted my nails…black with green sparkles.  We steamed our faces with green tea and bath salts, then did masks. So sweet.  And so fun…and it was awesome.  This was followed by a whole regimen of products.  And truly it felt fantastic.  Especially after the grocery run…the best.

Then M helped me make pizzas. He rolled the dough and threw it up into the air.  Covered in olive oil and sea salt, homemade sauce, feta, mozzarella, peperoni and black olives.  He did a great job.  So fun to cook with him.  And we had salad…hooray.

I can honestly say that the quality time I am spending with the kids has dramatically increased in the past week since we are all out of our old routines.  I am so grateful for that.  I know that there are a lot of people suffering right now.  I feel the weight of that, too.  I worry for my brother struggling on the farm, for my mom who is home alone…and also, I very much trust the lights in them. They are both so bright.

M:
Day eight was a pretty good day. I got to see Anna and we hung out and walked around. We barely talked about the virus which made it a lot better. It felt like we were just hanging out like we used to. It felt good to be there for her. I miss all my friends and I wish I could be with them, but in some way it feels like we are closer than ever. There’s no drama or fighting, it’s just positivity. We are all going through this together and we all support each other. Every day I hear something new about how much longer the virus is going to go or how we might be stuck like this for months. These things are all very hard to hear because I want to be with my people again. I hope that after this ends, We will all be closer and we won’t take advantage of being around each other. I wish that we all already had corona because then we would be immune and we could hang out. There’s so many things that I wish were different but I have no power over them which makes me feel helpless. My friends and I text all the time and that makes me feel hopeful. I couldn’t imagine going through this alone. Everyday I think about how excited I am for the future and how grateful I will be when it gets here.

M:
Today we woke up and did our school work from 9-12, after that we went on an hour long bike ride. When we got back I played games with my friends for a while. My mom then went to the grocery store to pick up food we had ordered on Sunday. When my mom got back we ate food and I helped make pizza. After that my mom and I watched a show then went to sleep.

Day 3

E:
We woke up to a redo of yesterday’s white morning.  It’s Groundhog Day!  That’s not funny…

M wanted his chai stronger. I poured without rationing.  What’s the point of living with weak chai?  That’s not living.

I spoke on the phone with my lover.  We have talked on the phone more in the past two weeks than in the past six years.  I don’t think that is an exaggeration.

We worked.  We ate meals.  Together. We moved in and out of rooms. There are three fish in the tank.  We remarked that there are three.  Just like us.  The fish are so happy since their world is brighter.  I am not sure they are happy.  Maybe it’s just that we can see them so clearly. If one dies now, I can’t replace it like I did with that hamster a few years back…when M knew anyway because the first one snuggled in her hands and the second one bit kids.  That was rough.  I came clean.

We went on another beautiful hike…friends far apart and close together. I roasted a chicken.  When I said that to M, he said, “What did you say to it?”

When I changed a roll of toilet paper, I had a feeling.

I spoke with my mom. I miss her.  We are very much together, despite.

Right now, both of my children are talking to their friends on various forms of headsets, air pods, virtual chatting, as they look at screens.  I am ok with it.  It’s Friday night. I texted for almost an hour with friends S & C in San Francisco & Oakland and my brother in Oregon.  I laughed so hard I cried.  Salve.

M:
Today was a little more difficult, but i knew it would be like that. I know that the mood and everything goes up and down. We have good days and we have bad days. I did a lot of math work today and it was really hard because I just kept thinking of the weekend but now the weeknd feels different and less exciting. I went on a hike with Eleni and that was more fun than the last time because we actually talked like we used too. We weren’t talking about The virus or anything, we were talking about guys and food. I loved not thinking about it for that short amount of time. The only reason it was harder was because I couldn’t hug my best friend and I wanted to really bad. When I got home I started to paint everything I could possibly paint and I Facetimed my friends. For the rest of the day I’ve been calmly sitting in my room and watching American Horror story. I have a love hate relationship with this self isolation. I love that I have my time to myself and that I can sit quietly with my own mind. I hate that I can’t see my friends and the only form of communication is over the phone. I miss being able to cuddle up close with my friends and watch a movie. The only house I’m allowed to be in is my own and that’s so weird to me. My dad is stuck in Telluride by himself and that makes me feel sad. I wish I could give him company. I miss my dog and my family. I’m worried that my family might get sick, but worrying will not keep me happy. While writing this I’m sitting on the phone with my friends and we’re laughing. Hearing constant laughter makes me know for a fact that this will all be okay. 

M:
Today we went on another hike after doing our homework and playing video games. I was playing games with my friend Noah. During the hike I got tired and laid down on a bench. Today we were also talking about getting tested for coronavirus but decided it was not going to happen right now. Things feel about as normal as they can feel. I feel adjusted to the precautions we are taking for the virus. The one thing I am mad about is that I can’t see my dad or hang out with my friends in Telluride because we can’t go up.